You know those times when you DON'T fall off the wagon?

Free-for-All Friday! That's what I would have told you yesterday was, but as of this morning it's still just Friday. In other words, I did not fall off the wagon yesterday!

I almost did though.

It was a super busy day, and that was kind of good and kind of bad for my diet. I mostly snacked on fruits and veggies throughout the day. Before I knew it, it was almost dinner time. I decided to wait for eating any large meals until the hubby came home from work, which should have been any moment at that point. He ended up getting held up at work and didn't get back into town until around 6:30 pm.

I kept waiting, wandering around the kitchen, eyeing all the bad snack foods out and about that I normally ignore.

Then, when he called to let me know he was meeting his parents at the furniture store to pick up our Christmas present to ourselves, I went ahead and started cooking. I fixed spinach and feta pierogies with mushrooms. They aren't any too awfully bad, but they are processed and have dairy in them. After they were done cooking and I had fixed my plate, the hubby and his parents pulled up. I sat my plate down and spend the next hour and a half to two hours trying to get our new couch and love seat in the house. They had to make two trips because the hubby's dad has a short wheel based truck. The mother-in-law stayed with me to help move our old couch out of the way and situate the new one.

Meanwhile, my plate of processed food sat on the counter, just waiting to load me up with guilt, bloating, and cramps.

To my surprise, and advantage, the daughter really, really liked the pierogies. And between her and the few my father-in-law had, they ended up disappearing. I ended up giving my plate to the daughter before we were all settled and done with the furniture.

I knew I was setting myself up for disaster. As the hubby made his way home and we talked over the phone I could feel myself tiptoeing around one small sentence. Stop and get something to eat. I wanted to say it so bad. Then, when the hubby said he was going to stop by Dairy Queen, I shocked myself. I told him I would fix something, despite the kitchen being a wreck and filled with furniture.

I heated up the last bit of his deer sloppy joe along with some olive oil, salt, and Italian seasoning coated zucchini that had been roasted in small slices, and a baked red potato. I fixed my plate with only the zucchini and a potato. It was gone in a blink of an eye and left me with a growling tummy still. I ended up back in the kitchen, desperate to stay away from the bad stuff. In the end, I settled on a small avocado and  a banana. I had never had a raw, plain avocado before. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I did like it. I woke up this morning thinking about the other one I have left.

Needless to say, I'm feeling extremely proud of myself. And on top of feeling totally awesome and pain free, the scale is still reading 187.5.

Homemade Toothpaste & My Favorite Spice

A few days ago I started making my own toothpaste. I mixed up some cold pressed coconut oil with equal parts baking soda. And my daughter had recently brought home this super cute little honey sample jar from her botany co-op class. It's perfect for holding the mixture. I've been using it for a few days now and while the baking soda tastes weird, it actually does a decent job. I love the super smooth, clean feeling I have afterward. And it last for so long! It's supposed to be good for allowing cavities to heal as well. I don't have any cavities so I won't be able to find out for sure, but that's pretty awesome if it does.

Also, I've been forgetting one of the most important spices that I use in my chili, on my potatoes, and well, just about anything I eat. Cayenne Pepper! I'm so addicted to this stuff. I bet I use half a tablespoon to one bowl of chili. I think it's supposed to be good for the metabolism. I'm not sure if that's true, but if it is I guess it's an added perk. I love some heat in my food. I'm also addicted to Tabasco sauce. I'm always using one or the other. The hubby always says he's going to buy me one of those jumbo, bulk size bottles of Tabasco but he never has. It would probably save us money if we did buy those.

Weight Loss...

I'm continuing to do really well with my eating. I think I've had one sugar free Werther's apple filled caramel since Friday. Other than that I've had zero processed foods. I had originally deemed Friday as my cheat day, but I don't think I'll be cheating this Friday. When I weighed myself this morning I was down to 187.5! I know weight fluctuates daily, but this is the lowest I've seen my scale in years. No way am I going to go back up. So far I'm at a total weight loss of 27.5 pounds.

TTC News...

Cd 5 today and AF is finally gone! Yay! I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday. At first, I hadn't really thought about it being two years since my miscarriage. The fact that I realized it right on the same day I ovulated during that cycle made it just a little harder.

I'm still taking one Vitex pill every morning. I'm kind of curious to see if I do ovulate right on the hubby's birthday. It would be pretty awesome to ovulate on his birthday and then get a BFP. It would truly be a birthday baby.

A girl can dream. Right?

Two Years & Torturing Myself

This is my first ultrasound photo from my pregnancy exactly two years ago this month. In fact, I ovulated on this exact day, December 11th, for that pregnancy. It was taken right around 6 weeks. Sadly, it ended in a missed miscarriage only 5 weeks later. I only had one other ultrasound before my loss and it looked basically the same. The sac measured 8 weeks, even though I was 11 weeks, and the baby was so tiny you could barely see it.

This baby would have been born on September 3, 2012. I should ovulate around December 19, which just happens to be the hubby's birthday, and if I were to somehow managed to get pregnant, the new baby would be due around the middle of September. September 11, 2014 to be exact if I do ovulate exactly on December 19th.

Over two years ago I joined a TTC board and for whatever reason I decided it would be a good idea to browse through my old threads. That's where I found this old ultrasound picture. I don't know what I was thinking. It most definitely was not a good idea.

How can two years pass after a pregnancy and then nothing? Absolutely nothing. Will I ever get back here?

CD 4 & Overcooked Fish

I told you I get fixated on certain foods for days. The hubby, on the other hand, does not. That's why I had to fix him deer sloppy joes, and more old bay fish for myself. I think our daughter has taken after me in the meal department. She has been eating chili when I do and picked fish over joes for dinner. If you're wondering what's on that potato, it's cayenne pepper. I like my baked potatoes with a little kick. Also, if you happen to notice that my fish looks a bit dry and over cooked, well, that's because it was. It still tasted good.

TTC News...

I thought I was going to get a clean break from AF, but she has returned off and on today. She's so thoughtful like that. Hopefully she'll take a hike for real in the next day or two. Other than that, still not a lot going on.

A good friend of mine found out she's having a boy today. I'm really excited for them. This is their 5th child and they were hoping for a boy since this will be their last. Even though I'm happy for her, I'm kind of sad that her pregnancy is flying by so quickly. I would've really enjoyed being bump buddies with her. I know there's still a chance, two to be exact, but the odds of that happening just doesn't seem to be in my favor. I'm grateful to have the chance to be there for her though, as much as I can since she's in Colorado and I'm in Kentucky! This makes me terribly sad by the way, as I really think we could get along well if we lived closer.

Same with all my other girls that are scattered across the US. Why must we be so far apart?!

Weight Loss News...

I think it was Friday that I weighed in at 196 pounds. Well, a lot of that must have been bloat because this morning I weighed in at 188.5! I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about being out of the 190's. I don't plan on going back either. I guess that just shows how much my endo causes me to bloat up when it becomes inflamed.

CD 3 & Old Bay Fish Dinner

On Tuesday's I have to take the hubby to work and pick him up. Me and our daughter usually have a couple of hours to kill before he gets off work. Today, we browsed around a couple stores before stopping at Kroger. I had originally planned to pick up some scallops, until I saw the price. Holy Cow! Those things are expensive. I decided those would be for another day, especially since I really don't know how to cook them or what to cook them with. For that cost I don't want to experiment!

I ended up settling on some fish fillets instead. While browsing the produce sections I found some broccoli and snow peas marked down. I grabbed a couple bags for broccoli and onion stir fry in the near future. By the time I got home I couldn't wait for the broccoli stir fry. So, that's what we had. That, and Old Bay seasoned fish fillets. The combination completely clashed, but I'm not complaining. The fish was amazing! I plan to pick up several more packs while it's on sale. It was so easy to make, too.

All I did was rub the frozen, yes, frozen, fillets with extra virgin olive oil and sprinkle both sides generously with Old Bay seasoning. I put the broiler on high, as the package instructed, and popped them in the oven. The cooked for 7-8 minutes on each side. Easy peasy!

I don't eat a whole lot of seafood, and I don't eat any type of red meat or poultry at all, but I think I could handle this fish more often. Most of the time I eat some sort of seafood when I start feeling fatigued and a migraine starts. This typically means my b12 is getting low. I take supplements, but for whatever reason, my stomach does not absorb it this way very well. Most of the time I eat seafood enough to keep my levels balanced out, so it usually isn't a problem.

TTC News...

It's only cd 3 and I think the witch is already leaving! It doesn't even look like I'll have my typical 3-4 days of spotting. However, now that I've said that, I'm sure I'll start spotting like crazy. I started Vitex back today. I'm only taking one pill a day this cycle. Hopefully I don't start spotting a week before my period this month.

CD 2 & Banana Pancakes

This morning I fixed banana pancakes for me and my daughter. I wasn't sure if she would like them, but she ended up eating six! This will probably end up being my breakfast for the next few days due to the enormous amount of bananas my husband picked up at the store. It's okay though. I'm not complaining.

These things are so easy to make. I thought about adding some unsweetened cocoa powder, but ended up just fixing them with cinnamon. I think I might give the cocoa powder a try tomorrow. I'm hoping that the banana will be enough to give the cocoa powder enough sweetness. I really don't want to add extra.

They turned out pretty yummy. The key to these things is keeping them small. Most of the time I want to start rushing things when I get down to the last bit of batter, but I restrain myself with these things. Bigger banana pancakes are not better.

I ended up making chili for dinner last night. It's so yummy.

TTC News...

Luckily, my cramps were not nearly as bad today. I have had zero pain relievers. Other than that, there's not a whole lot going on at the moment. Just waiting for AF to take a hike. I did make the mistake of browsing a pregnancy forum today. I don't know why I do it. It always leaves me in a bad place.

CD 1...Again & A Homicidal Bladder

Today is cd 1. Shocker! Guess it was pretty dumb to think that Vitex might actually help me, and that I might actually get lucky like some and get a BFP on my second month with it. Oh well, nothing to do but keep moving forward. I'm a little sad that I only have two cycles left before I leave for Maryland and I'm forced into a 3-4 month break. I think the break will be good for me though. I just can't stand the thought of losing a month. It's already been so long. I don't want to lose anymore time.

I've been paying for my dairy splurges this month. I've ended up in the tub three times, once around 5am. I've been taking ibuprofen and drinking lots of chamomile tea. Both are supposed to be anti-inflammatory. Hopefully tomorrow is a little better. This pain is a good reminder of why I decided to cut out dairy in the first place.

I haven't had any interesting meals today. Mostly leftovers. In fact, it was all leftovers, except for the baked red potato, bananas, and mandarin oranges. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make another pot of chili tomorrow. Aside from no interesting meals to share, I have to give myself a pat on the back for how well I've done. I've been craving bad foods, mostly gluten and dairy, and have stayed away.

I admit, some of my motivation is probably coming from feeling like my reproductive organs are being crushed inside my body. Or, maybe the feeling that my hips have been jammed into a vice for most of the day. Or, maybe the sharp stabbing pains up my rib cage? I'm not even sure that's endo pain? But I can sure blame it on my endo.

Speaking of endo, I think it's gotten all buddy-buddy with my bladder and they're both plotting against me. Crazy! I know! I mean, it's a bladder. Right? But it's true. I'm pretty sure my it has been trying to kill me every time I go to the bathroom.

Guess I know that it wasn't the Vitex that made the big difference in my pain last month. Which is good because this will be the last month I use Vitex if I continue to spot. I'm going to be lowering my dose to see if there is any difference. I may also stop Vitex after I ovulate. I'm not sure yet.

Just a little over two weeks until I get my spiral slicer. Then I'll have no trouble saying goodbye to gluten and hello to zucchini noodles!

Almost CD 1, Dinner & Grocery Shopping

I had a bit of a craving for pizza tonight, but I definitely did not want the pain that comes with the real stuff. So, I decided to get creative. I picked up some marked down stuffing mushrooms, the small ones, at the store today. I've had store bought pizza stuffed mushrooms before, but never made them. To make it even more complicated, mine has to be made without cheese and meat. The final product wasn't that pretty to look at, but it really wasn't that bad to eat. Next time I'll make sure to get bigger mushrooms, or more smaller ones.

Meatless Dairy-Free (almost) Pizza Stuffed Mushrooms

diced yellow onion

diced ancient sweet pepper

diced roasted red pepper

diced black olives

spinach

stuffing mushrooms

**I pre-baked the mushrooms until the water came out of them. While waiting for those I sauteed everything else in olive oil. When all of the liquid was cooked out of the veggies I dumped in a jar of pizza sauce. I let it simmer to try to reduce some of the liquid. Once that finished I intended to fill the tops and bake it a bit, however, I went a little overboard on the veggies. I ended up putting them in a small round baking pan and just dumping the veggies on top. I sprinkled it with a little Parmesan cheese and a lot of Tabasco sauce.**

I also picked up Chia Seeds at the store today. When I first learned that people were eating these, I researched for about two days to see if they were the same that came with the Chia Pets. Part of me just did not want to accept that people at those same seeds. Turns out they do though. And I got me some. I saw that you can make jelly with different fruits or use it in smoothies. I'm going to try to make a strawberry jelly. I'll let you know how it turns out.

I also picked up some cold pressed Coconut Oil. It was on sale and I've been wanting to get some for a while. The main reason I wanted to get it was to try out as a toothpaste. A good friend of mine uses it and had nothing but good things to say about it. I'm all for switching to a more natural way of living. Since finding out about my endo I've been kind of worried about the chemicals and hormones that my daughter ingests on a daily basis. I don't want her to endure the same sort of pain I do. If I can give her healthier options and perhaps prevent or lessen her chances of getting endo, or other problems related to poor choices, I will.

I know sugar is not good for endo gals, and I'm not sure if this is any different. It was on sale and I've been wanting to try it as a replacement. If the family approves it could replace the common white sugar. Truthfully, we don't use a lot of sugar in the house, but oh well. If we do, we've got an alternative now. I need to do a little research to see if it's acceptable for endo.

I was so excited to see these on sale. They go so fast in our house it's not even funny. I bet these won't even make it until next weekend. Normally we pay almost $6 for them but I was able to get them for $3.99 each! Since they're easy to peel both the hubby and daughter love them. The hubby takes at least 5 to work with him every single day.

TTC News...

It's so close to being cd 1 and I cannot wait for this cycle to be over. I have to admit that I'm a little nervous about what my pain is going to be like this month. I had a little more dairy than I should have. I've already started having pain, but I took some ibuprofen and for now that seems to be keeping it at a manageable level. However, it's cd 1-2 that's the worst and usually leave me on the verge of throwing up or passing out. Normally when I start cramping the night before I end up in the tub at some point in the night. It's not safe, but that's the only way I can get any sleep when the pain is bad.

15 DPO, Last Night's Lunch & Today's Breakfast

Last night I fixed something I haven't had in a long time. Leeks and red potatoes. It was fried, so I know it's not that great, but it has to be a little better since I used extra virgin olive oil. Or, at least I hope so. We'll just say yes. I had this along with a bowl of the veggie chili I made the other day. I had planned on freezing some of that, but I think it'll be gone before I get the chance. Between our girl and myself, it's not lasting long.

Since we live in the area that is under the winter weather advisory, I asked my hubby to grab a bunch of bananas on his way in from work. I really wanted to have some banana pancakes and didn't want to get stuck at home without them. The picture above shows what he brought home. I nearly fell over laughing when I picked up the bag. I seriously love that man. Guess I can't say he doesn't listen.

Thanks to my awesome hubby, I was able to have banana pancakes for breakfast. They're so simple to make. I just use one local farm egg, one banana, and some cinnamon. I drizzle a little honey on top instead of syrup. This time I made sure to fry them a little thinner than before. I also put paper towel on the plate I was using as I removed them from the pan. This helped to keep them from sweating and getting soggy.

Today is 15 dpo, and it should be the last day of my cycle. Thank God! I'm so over it and ready to move on. Vitex has given me a 15 day LP, but with way more spotting than normal. After AF I'm going to start Vitex back with only one pill a day this time. I'm also thinking about stopping it after I ovulate.

Yesterday I realized that I am getting ready to start active ttc cycle #29. This means it has been over 9 years all together. I can't even describe the anger, frustration, and despair I felt yesterday. I seriously would have paid money to have a few minutes alone with a glass shop. I don't know when I got on this Merry-Go-Round of extreme high's and low's, but I'm more than ready to get off. 

13 DPO & Yummy Yummy Veggie Chili

Tonight, I'm a happy, happy girl. In the days before I stopped eating meat, I often enjoyed a yummy bowl of spicy chili. Since I've jumped off the meat train, I haven't really thought much about it, until, today! I started fixing a crock-pot full of pinto beans, which I use for several different meals, and it made me think of chili. I don't know how I could have ever forgotten about this amazing dish!

Amber's Veggie Chili

1 chopped zucchini

1 can of diced tomatoes

2 cans Rotel diced tomatoes and green chilies

1 chopped yellow onion

2 chopped red sweet peppers

1 can kidney beans

about 2 cups of pinto beans

about 2-3 tbsp of chili powder

about a tbsp of cumin

**Throw everything in a pot, bring to a boil, reduce heat to simmer and cover with a lid.**

I never did get around to making another quiche today. I had some of the one I made yesterday with a salad for lunch today. It was just as good today as it was yesterday. I was kind of worried that the egg would become gross reheated. For breakfast, I ended up eating the leftover tomato and cucumber salad I made the other day along with a boiled egg. Not exactly "breakfasty" but it worked.

Today is 13 dpo and AF should be here in about two days. It sucks, but I was sorta expecting it to end this way. Ready for the witch to just get on with it so I can restart another cycle. All in all, I'm feeling okay today. I do think it's possible the chili might have a little to do with that. I shall never forget chili again. E.V.E.R.

12 DPO & A Confession

I discovered a new love today. Quiche! I don't know why I've never made this before?! I've always thought it sounded like an omelet, only eggier for some reason. It was so easy to make and wasn't eggie at all. I saw a picture while using Google and decided to just go for it. It was really simple, but I'm not really sure if I made it the "right" way. I saw a recipe once before, but it was some time ago.

Before I list what I put in it, I have to remind you that I'm not much of a measuring kind of gal when it comes to cooking. I just toss in a little of this and a little of that until I get it right. I don't do much baking, but I think if I did, I'd be terrible at it.

Veggie Quiche

chopped mushrooms

chopped red onion

chopped sweet red pepper

spinach

green onion

garlic salt (I'm out of fresh thanks to the carrots)

olive oil

4 fresh eggs

**Saute until veggies are tender (I really loaded it with veggies). Put into a small pan and pour in eggs. When I poured in the eggs I put half the veggies in, a little eggs, last of veggies, and the rest of the eggs. I did this so to make sure the eggs went all the way through since I had so much veggies. I'm not sure if this step was necessary? 

So, I have a confession. Yesterday I did really well with my meals for the day. I even took the time to make my newly found recipes. Later that night, however, I didn't do so well. In fact, I pretty much blew it all into the water.I paid for it as well. I experienced a lot of sharp pains, cramps, and bloating.

And to keep being honest, I really didn't do well today either. In fact, I had a very yummy veggie lovers pizza from Pizza Hut. And guess what?! I'm paying for that as well. Even more so than last night. My endo hates me right now. At one point I was certain it was ripping out my ovaries.

I realize that this is partly because I'm feeling really down because AF is here, yet again, and partly because I'm feeling very lost when it comes to what I can eat. Lately, it feels like I just roam around the kitchen looking for something, yet find absolutely nothing. When I can't find anything that's okay I don't want to eat anything. And that's no good because then I go hungry for a while until I just lose control.

It's okay though. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am back up to 196 pounds, but at least I'm not back up to 200! I'm heading that way though, so to keep me motivated I joined another Dietbet today. I've already submitted my weigh in and I'll be starting tomorrow. It doesn't actually officially start until the day after tomorrow.

I think this quiche has gave me a bit of the push I needed to get back on track. I've been getting a little discourage with the lack of variety in my meals. I really need to buckle down and find some more options. I can't wait for Christmas so I can have my spiral slicer! It actually arrived today, but it's really important to the hubby that I have stuff to open on Christmas day. Waiting will just give me the time I need to find some more awesome meal options for myself.

11 DPO & New Recipe Experience

I forgot to take a picture of my plate before I started eating. Luckily, I remembered to before it was all gone. I did manage to try out those recipes that I talked about before, but I wasn't all that impressed.

This picture above was actually from my lunch today. I just threw together some red onion, white button mushrooms, olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic. Nothing fancy, but so tasty.

This is the roasted carrots and garlic recipe I wanted to try. I didn't think to get an after picture. By the time the food was finish the family was starving. No one was interested in waiting to let me take pictures. They were okay, but not really my favorite. The carrots weren't too bad, but the garlic was pretty disgusting. However, I have to admit, I may or may not have over cooked it. I've never roasted garlic before so I'm not sure. It was nice and toasty, and gross.

This was the tomato and cucumber salad I wanted to try. This, was my favorite food from tonight. I accidentally got the wrong rice vinegar, but it still turned out well. It called for seasoned and I picked up original. Guess that's what I get for being lazy and not checking on my phone. I think everyone else really enjoyed this one as well. Everyone ate a hefty helping of it and there's nearly none left.

Those little yellow circle things on my plate are polenta in case you're unfamiliar. Tonight was the first time I've had it and I wasn't too impressed. I didn't really do anything with it though. I simply sliced it in rings and fried it in olive oil. I'm not ready to give up on it though. I plan to hunt for some polenta recipes and try again soon.

TTC News...

Well, as I predicted, Aunt Flow is making her way in. The spotting has continued and I don't like it. I plan to give Vitex one more month, but if I continue to spot I'm done. I think I may take it until ovulation and then stop this month. I only have two cycles left to try before I leave home for several months with our daughter. at this point, I'm not even sure why I'm bothering. I know it's not going to happen. I don't want to give up, but I have to admit that I'm looking forward to the months I'll be away. It may not happen this way, but in my mind I imagine I'll be free from this baby depression. Free from the pain. The disappointment.

Or, at least I hope I'll be free.

11 DPO & Hunting for New Recipes

I've been browsing around looking for endofriendly recipes today. I found one HERE for roasted carrots that looks absolutely delicious! I plan to give it a try tonight. I just have to pick up the carrots first.

I'm also going to make this tomato cucumber salad recipe that I found HERE. I've never used rice wine vinegar so I'm pretty excited about that.

I think I'll also roast some random veggies and serve it with polenta. I've never had polenta and a bought a roll a few weeks ago. Guess it's time I get to using it. I'll be back with pictures to let you know how it all turns out.

9 DPO, Clean Eating, & Herbal Tea

Like my tea cup pictured above? It simply oozes fancy pants. Right? Especially sitting on that half painted half peeled table my daughter uses during school.

I think I ate very well yesterday. I ate mostly fruits and veggies. I did have lentils in my new pot of soup. I didn't take pictures though because it looked exactly like my last pot of soup, almost. This time I added in lentils, carrots, and green onions. I meant to add in leeks and celery but I completely forgot. It's okay though. I think I'm going to make some leeks and red potatoes later. I love the mild onion flavor that leeks have, especially in potatoes.

Spotting started today already. I'm going to give Vitex one more cycle, and if I continue to spot this early I'm going to stop it. I think I'm going to reduce my dose down to one pill a day instead of two. I'm pretty sure it's why I ovulated on cd 12. Either way, this cycle's a bust and I'm ready to move on.