CD 3 & Breakfast

This has become my favorite go to breakfast. It's pretty much the fried apple thing I was making before, only I'm not frying it anymore. It's so fast and easy. When I buy raisins and nuts, walnuts this time, I separate 1/8 a cup of each into a bag. This keeps me from being greedy and "accidentally" dropping more into my bowl. 

If it's not this, I usually have a bowl of plain oatmeal with honey, raisins and nuts. It's pretty good as well, but my taste buds haven't exactly adjusted to honey sweetened oatmeal vs. sugar sweetened oatmeal. I'm determined to stay away from added sugar though.

I’m sure I’ll get burned out on it eventually, and will be forced to find something else, but for now, I’m hooked. This is quite normal for me. I tend to find certain foods or meals that I really enjoy and it’s all I’ll want for weeks. The hubby is the complete opposite. This can make meals a little annoying in our home.

Dairy is the Devil! 

I've discovered that reducing dairy has a pretty big impact on my pain levels during AF. I’m on CD 3 and I should have almost or completely threw up or passed out by now, but I haven’t! I didn’t even have to camp out in the tub for hours. And for what pain I did have I was able to ease it off to manageable status with 2 generic Ibuprofen.

I say reducing because I didn't exactly cut it all out completely. I did have some pizza twice in the past month. I suffered for it dearly the next day or two. Cutting it out completely had been my original goal, but who doesn't love pizza??

I think I'm going to work on sugar and process foods next. Mostly because I've already started on both. In all honesty, I haven't had too much of either for the past month. Well, I haven't added any sugar to my food, but I have had several processed foods. Not nearly as much as I usually have though.

It sucks that I'm back at the beginning of another cycle, but I am looking forward to continuing to eat healthier. In almost two months, I've managed to maintain better eating habits and I've gone from 205.5 lbs. to 192 lbs.. I think the best and hardest change I've been working on is to stop blowing it big when I do blow it. If I have something I shouldn't, I enjoy it while it lasts, then move on.

No more beating myself up. Endometriosis does that well enough for me.

That's All Folks

Well, today is supposed to be 8 dpo, but it's beginning to look like I had my O date wrong. I'm pretty positive that I'm starting the first of 3 of my usual days of pre-AF spotting. Yay. I suppose I'll be temping next month so I don't have this problem. The sadness and disappointment I always feel is no less this month despite knowing this cycle wasn't the one.

I guess I should be thankful for getting my wish from yesterday.

I'm on cd 25 today. AF should be here officially by cd 28-29. I haven't had any horrible side effects from the Vitex I've been taking. It's supposed to take a month to see changes, but I'm hoping that my pain during AF this month will be reduced. I've been taking Vitex for almost 2 weeks now. I'll be using opks again, but I'll be temping as well so I can be sure of O day.

No more guessing.

On the upside, I'm still doing well with my no dairy goal. I'm also planning on giving the No Poo shampoo a try very soon. It doesn't have the sulfate chemicals that store bought body wash and shampoo have. I'm not supposed to use store bought because the chemicals absorb through my skin and flare up my endo.

It seems pretty easy. You use a baking soda and water mixture followed by a apple cider vinegar and water mixture. There's supposed to be an adjustment period, but after that it should do pretty good at keeping your hair clean. Apparently the vinegar is supposed to be good for detangling as well. I plan on testing this with my daughter. She also told me about a natural body wash you can get online, but I'm going to spend a bit of time looking into making my own.

7 dpo & Zero Hope

We visited with friends and family and enjoyed a great dinner with them. We laughed, talked, and just had fun together. But, deep down, I felt this tightness in my chest the whole time. I had to remain constantly aware of myself because it only takes one small moment for my thoughts to pull me in.

I can't let them see. If they do, they ask questions. If they ask questions, I cry. And it's all because...

I'm out. I know it.

I know, I know. I'm only 7 dpo, but just wait and see. AF will arrive right on time. Well, give or take a few days since I'm not charting.

Today is just a really bad day. No hope. No point in hope. I don't even want it. It only makes the fall harder. I'm exhausted. I know that it's over. Done. Finished. The End. This cycle's a bust and I'm so tired. I just want AF to come so I can start this miserable, endless journey all over...

6 dpo & Candy Candy Candy!

Due to storms on Thursday we had our Trick-or-Treat last night. We had dinner with family before it began. I came away feeling super proud of myself, too! I had potato soup, which has milk, but I couldn't say no since the hubby's grandmother made is special for me since I don't eat meat. I had a bit of a bellyache, but I only had about a cup and a half. Go me! I also managed to avoid the yummy looking Halloween cupcakes! It was hard, but I did it.

This morning I was rewarded for my efforts. I'm down to 196.5 pounds!!!

Now, if I can just keep this up for the rest of the weekend. My eating always goes to crap over the weekend. I've started using the Myfitnesspal app and it's making things so simple. I used it a couple years ago, but the app pretty much sucked. It's 100 times better now.

Well, today is 6 dpo, or around about anyway. Not really much going on. Have had some pinching feelings in the uterus area still, but I'm pretty sure I feel this in every cycle.

Found out a friend of mine that had a baby a year ago is pregnant with #2. Wonder how many babies the people around me will have to my one?

4 DPO ~ Long Time No See

I won't start off by making excuses for my absence. Over this past weekend my eating choices were extremely poor. Over two days I ate a whole large pizza. By. My. Self.

Who does that??

Anyway, I paid for it dearly. I guess after a week of no dairy, then binging on cheese, I discovered that I do have a sensitivity to dairy. Did I also mention that I ate several pieces of Snicker mini candy bars? I swelled up like the Good Year Blimp.

On top of that, I had horrendous gas and horrible cramps. I sat out to discover if my endo flared up as a result of dairy and I guess it's safe to say I have my answer. You'll be happy to know, however, that I'm now back on track and have not had dairy since Monday.

Begone bloat!

I'm 4 dpo today, almost 5 dpo since I'm writing this up at midnight. Or, I think anyway? I didn't temp so I'm not 100% of my O day. Give or take a few days. It should be fairly accurate. I should be sleeping but a storm is passing through and the winds are insane. Before I had my daughter I'd sleep right through them. Now, I'm terrified to sleep for fear of not having enough time to grab her and head for this hills.

Anyway...

Not much really going on. I did have some pretty sharp pinching pains around the left side of my uterus. Would be lovely if it were implantation, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the Vitex I've been taking, but my boobs have been super sore since O, and my nipples felt as if they'd been dipped in boiling water for the first few days.

Fun stuff, right?

Today's The Day!

I finally got a positive OPK yesterday and as of this morning it was negative. I'm counting today as O day and so is fertility friend. It's a kind of bittersweet day.

On one hand, I'm excited to be going into the tww, finally! On the other hand, I feel like there is no point in allowing myself to hope. With each month that passes, I feel more and more confident that my tubes are blocked by endo or scar tissue.

I know it's ridiculous for me to think this way, but that doesn't stop it. I wish I could just waltz into the doctors office and request an HSG. If I was lucky enough to have the medical coverage, I would!

Just a bit ago, the song Wrecking Ball came on Pandora. I found it somewhat interesting that I relate it to my infertility journey instead of a relationship. I drove into hardcore active ttc headfirst, and after over two years, the infertility walls are still up.

I suppose I need to put down the computer and get to doing something. Today is one of those days when I have to work extra hard at suppressing my feelings. The hubby is open to more children, but when he sees me upset he's ready to pull the plug on the whole operation. I know he only wants to protect me from the pain, and without fertility coverage or spare money laying around for testing and treatments, giving up probably seems the easiest way to make the pain go away.

If only it were that easy...

Much Better Day & Endo Friendly Dinner

Today was much better than yesterday, although yesterday wasn't terrible. I had no sneaky dairy! Yay! For dinner I fixed sweet peppers and banana peppers stuffed with black beans, pinto beans, corn, and salsa. I used this mixture to make a "burrito" with a corn tortilla.

After the last few days of trying to watch my dairy I've noticed that I'm not nearly as bloated as I was over the weekend. I've also not had any random sharp pain in my ovary areas this week. I'm not sure if it's really related, but I guess time will tell.

TTC News: OPK is still negative. I wish it would hurry up and go positive. It's kind of stressing me out a bit. Today is cd 14. Usually I have a positive by now. However, this is my third cycle without clomid. It makes me a little nervous that I'm not going to O at all.