4 DPO ~ Long Time No See

I won't start off by making excuses for my absence. Over this past weekend my eating choices were extremely poor. Over two days I ate a whole large pizza. By. My. Self.

Who does that??

Anyway, I paid for it dearly. I guess after a week of no dairy, then binging on cheese, I discovered that I do have a sensitivity to dairy. Did I also mention that I ate several pieces of Snicker mini candy bars? I swelled up like the Good Year Blimp.

On top of that, I had horrendous gas and horrible cramps. I sat out to discover if my endo flared up as a result of dairy and I guess it's safe to say I have my answer. You'll be happy to know, however, that I'm now back on track and have not had dairy since Monday.

Begone bloat!

I'm 4 dpo today, almost 5 dpo since I'm writing this up at midnight. Or, I think anyway? I didn't temp so I'm not 100% of my O day. Give or take a few days. It should be fairly accurate. I should be sleeping but a storm is passing through and the winds are insane. Before I had my daughter I'd sleep right through them. Now, I'm terrified to sleep for fear of not having enough time to grab her and head for this hills.

Anyway...

Not much really going on. I did have some pretty sharp pinching pains around the left side of my uterus. Would be lovely if it were implantation, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the Vitex I've been taking, but my boobs have been super sore since O, and my nipples felt as if they'd been dipped in boiling water for the first few days.

Fun stuff, right?

Today's The Day!

I finally got a positive OPK yesterday and as of this morning it was negative. I'm counting today as O day and so is fertility friend. It's a kind of bittersweet day.

On one hand, I'm excited to be going into the tww, finally! On the other hand, I feel like there is no point in allowing myself to hope. With each month that passes, I feel more and more confident that my tubes are blocked by endo or scar tissue.

I know it's ridiculous for me to think this way, but that doesn't stop it. I wish I could just waltz into the doctors office and request an HSG. If I was lucky enough to have the medical coverage, I would!

Just a bit ago, the song Wrecking Ball came on Pandora. I found it somewhat interesting that I relate it to my infertility journey instead of a relationship. I drove into hardcore active ttc headfirst, and after over two years, the infertility walls are still up.

I suppose I need to put down the computer and get to doing something. Today is one of those days when I have to work extra hard at suppressing my feelings. The hubby is open to more children, but when he sees me upset he's ready to pull the plug on the whole operation. I know he only wants to protect me from the pain, and without fertility coverage or spare money laying around for testing and treatments, giving up probably seems the easiest way to make the pain go away.

If only it were that easy...

Much Better Day & Endo Friendly Dinner

Today was much better than yesterday, although yesterday wasn't terrible. I had no sneaky dairy! Yay! For dinner I fixed sweet peppers and banana peppers stuffed with black beans, pinto beans, corn, and salsa. I used this mixture to make a "burrito" with a corn tortilla.

After the last few days of trying to watch my dairy I've noticed that I'm not nearly as bloated as I was over the weekend. I've also not had any random sharp pain in my ovary areas this week. I'm not sure if it's really related, but I guess time will tell.

TTC News: OPK is still negative. I wish it would hurry up and go positive. It's kind of stressing me out a bit. Today is cd 14. Usually I have a positive by now. However, this is my third cycle without clomid. It makes me a little nervous that I'm not going to O at all.

End Of The Day Wrap Up

            Well, I didn’t do that amazing with avoiding dairy, but I didn’t do that bad either. The only dairy I had today was as an ingredient to something else. I also had some veggie chicken patties, which I’m sure probably have soy. I honestly never even looked.

            The good news is that I didn’t get carried away with eating junk. I didn’t over eat healthy things either. I seem to be pretty hooked on cinnamon apples, raisins, and pecans (not walnuts LOL) for breakfast. I had it again this morning. I think I’m going to look for some type of bread or muffin recipe to use it in that’s gluten/dairy free.

            Later in the day, I found myself wanting to say screw it all and stuff my face with junk because of that little bit of dairy and soy today. I must have plundered through the kitchen for a good 15 minutes trying to talk myself out of everything before I settled on a good sized spinach salad with salsa and jalapenos.

            TTC New: I received my Vitex in the mail today. I opened the bottle and inspected the horse pills, but I’m still undecided on whether I should take them or not. I’ve considered starting small with one pill in the morning. I’m just not sure yet? Also, my opk is still negative. I was hoping for a positive, but oh well. Maybe tomorrow?

Checking Due Date Before O?!

I was doing so well today with not thinking too much about a baby. Until I came up with the bright idea to calculate my due date from when I think I'll O. Just so we're clear, I haven't even O'd yet.

I'd love to have a July baby. Nice warm weather so we could have future birthdays outdoors. My daughter's birthday is in January when there's nothing but cold, wet, snow, and mud.

The due date itself isn't really what made me feel down so quickly.  No, that happened right after I counted that it would be due only two months after the hubby's cousin's baby is due.

But still yet, that isn't what got me down completely. For a brief moment I thought about how fun that would be. Then, I realized that the chances of that actually happening were slim. Why bother imagining what it would be like?

Shrimp Primavera ~ Sorta :) Endo Friendly Dinner!

I made my own version of shrimp primavera for dinner. I did not buy organic vegetables or gluten free pasta, but there is no dairy! It was supposed to have zucchini, but I forgot to pick it up at the store. I had some asparagus I used instead. It didn't exactly go with it that well, but it wasn't bad.

The night isn't over, but I'm feeling pretty good about my food choices yesterday and tonight. Hopefully I can keep this up to help my endo and lose some weight. I've been stuck around 200 for an eternity it seems. As of this morning my weight is at 199.5. 

TTC News: I’m on cd 12 and I’m expecting to O between cd 14 – 16.  I’m going to try an OPK tonight, but it may be too diluted. I’ll be doing an OPK tomorrow morning for sure.

Endo Friendly Breakfast ~ Cinnamon Apples, Raisins & Walnuts!

                I was able to pick up some walnuts and raisins before coming home yesterday. I threw it all together this morning, drizzled it with a bit honey, and BAM! Yumminess in a pan! The best part is that it’s all endo friendly. I wasn't sure what kind of nut I should get, but I think the walnut was perfect.

Yesterday I succeeded in having no dairy, that I know of. That stuff is sneaky! I've nicknamed it, The Ninja. It's in things you would never think of. For example, Lay's Honey BBQ chips. Don't believe me? Check the ingredients. Yesterday would have been totally endo friendly if I hadn't had that kaiser bun. Hopefully today is a good day as well.

Endo Friendly Dinner...Kinda...

                I have no idea what this is called, but it was actually pretty good. I like to cook up some button mushrooms in olive oil with onion, garlic, sea salt, and a little pepper. I usually put it on a toasted bun with a slice of Swiss cheese on top. Since I’d only had apples from breakfast, I figured I better add some sort of bean to it since I don’t eat meat.

                I decided to add in a can of black beans and I’m pretty glad I did. I liked it quite a bit. I also added in some sliced jalapenos. After debating for several minutes, I decided to go ahead and eat it with my last Kaiser bun. That wasn’t exactly endo friendly, but I don’t want it to go to waste. Plus, I’m working on dairy right now.

                I also put a little of this bean and mushroom mixture on top of a spinach and romaine salad. It wasn’t the best, but it was okay. I really didn’t want to use salad dressing and I was too hungry to learn how to make my own vinaigrette. Maybe next time?

                While we were at co-op today I talked to another mom about my goal to rid my life of junky chemicals. She said she uses baking soda and vinegar to wash her hair. I’m assuming it works well because I’ve never seen her hair look dirty. Also, she uses coconut oil to brush her teeth. I haven’t had time to look into any of this, but I plan on checking it out soon.

                Baby steps.

Endometriosis Friendly Morning!

This weekend my diet was horrible, but I'm going to do my best to do better, starting with breakfast! The little Miss and I had apples with a touch of olive oil (I'm sure there's a better option but I didn't have anything else), cinnamon, and honey. I peeled the apples since they're not organic.

Monday’s are not easy days to stick to healthy foods. We’re gone from noon until around 7pm. I’m going to swing by the store while she’s in chorus and pick up some raisins and a few other things. I think our apples this morning would have been awesome with some raisins, and maybe some sort of nut? 

Good Idea? Bad Idea? Who Knows?

Here

I don't know if this is a good idea, or a bad idea, but I thought it would be fun to keep track of the names I like for (hopefully) a future baby.

Current favorite girl name/s:

Lyra

Odette

Current favorite boy name/s:

Josiah

When Someone Pops The Question

Got photo here 

No, not that question. I'm talking about the other question...

Are you going to have more kids?

It's not a question I'm asked very often, but when I am, it tends to double my despair. When I have the privilege of being asked by a pregnant woman, it hurts a little bit more.

And don't you know?! I'm the luckiest girl in the world! So lucky I got asked this very question just last night. But do you want to know the best part?

The girl is pregnant. She's dating the hubby's cousin. This is his cousin's second pregnant girlfriend in two years. I get to relive the gushy excitement from the family as she grows and grows! Awesome...

You may think this sounds a lot like jealousy...

And you would be very right. Being jealous doesn't mean I hate her. Well, maybe just a…JOKING! No, I don’t hate her. I hate that I don't have what she has. There's a difference. She’s actually a very sweet girl and I wish them all the best.

What really sucks is having to listen to the family gush excitement over a new baby. I’ll have the privilege of participating in another baby shower with an enormous belly. And the hubby happens to be fairly close to this cousin so I’ll probably end up in more baby chats than I care for, again. I say again because it seems like I just went through this with the ex-girlfriend.

Just So Ya Know: In my last post I mentioned a miscarriage. If I had carried that baby to term and brought him or her home it would have been only four months after the ex-girlfriends baby was born in May.

 So, yeah. Awe. Some…

Anyway, back to the question. I answered honestly. And surprisingly so did the hubby. He was actually the first to speak up and tell her that we are trying and that we’ve been trying for a long time now. This probably sounds dumb, but it felt nice to hear him tell someone else that we ARE trying. His response also left little option to be anything but honest. So I told her about my endometriosis.

I hope that telling her the truth doesn’t make her feel like she has to avoid me. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable or to worry about stirring up bad feelings. There will for sure be times when I emotionally can’t be around her, but for the most part I do pretty well when I’m around them. It’s after we go home and I’m alone with my thoughts and feelings that I fall apart, but she doesn’t have to know that.

Hopefully I’ll never have to give her the “It’s not you, it’s me” spill…

This doesn’t really have anything to do with my diet, which has been horriBAD today, but it has to do with the main reason I’m here. I’ll leave the diet thing at what it is, just…bad. Tomorrow’s a new day, right?!

On a positive note. One of those lovely girls I was telling you about in my first post connected me with a group of girls on Facebook who all suffer from endometriosis. It'll be nice to talk to others who are familiar with what I'm going through. After talking to one woman and reading some other posts I decided to order Vitex. I know I said my self-medicating days are over, but I might just give this a shot. I'm not sure yet? Guess I'll see when it get here.

<3 I'd be lost without you girls!

Where To Start??

I guess I'll start off by saying thanks to a wonderful friend of mine for suggesting I start a reality TV show and call it, Eating Myself Pregnant. I loved the title, but I don't think I'll be making it to the big screen any time soon. So, here I am. This friend is one of several awesome girls who have stuck by me through my ups and downs as I reach for my dream...

Pregnancy <3

A little background…

I married my hubby 10 years ago at the age of 19. A few short months later we had our first and only child. We’ll call her Peanut, a nickname given to her at birth by the doctors that delivered her 2lb 3oz self. Six months after she was born the hubby and I decided to stop birth control and let nature decide when we were ready for #2. Fast forward almost 10 years and there’s still no #2…

The first several years neither of us really gave much thought to the time passing so quickly with no #2. With Peanut being born with C.F.D., life seemed so hectic with all the doctors, struggles, questions, and worry for the first 5 years. Until we met Dr. Awesome!

Quick shout out to Dr. Standard in Maryland! We found him when Peanut was only 5 years old and it has been so much better since! Another story though…

After we began to settle into our new path and things calmed down, the feeling that something was wrong in the fertility department began nagging at me. It was easily ignored for a while. With Peanut having surgery once a year from age 5, it was easy for me to become distracted.

When Peanut was around 7, we had the privilege of being there for the moment my cousin shared her pregnancy news with her 6 year old son and husband. I was so happy for her, and beyond excited to be there with them. At the same time, however, my entire world came crashing down as I watched my sweet girl witness the event.

I read the thoughts and feelings that crossed her face as easily as words from a book. At first, she was smiling and excited along with everyone else. Then, her cousin began asking questions and talking excitedly with his mom. This is the moment she fell to the background and watched quietly. I could see her thoughts turning inward. Then, she looked back at me. Both of our worlds changed in that moment and would never be the same.

Her desire to have a sibling grew and her loneliness seemed to multiply by the hundreds. Her need for a sibling intensified my desire for a child, for both her and myself, and turned it into an obsession  Trying to conceive took over my every waking thought. The following two and a half years became a long, slow spiral into TTC depression.

After my cousin's announcement  I began consulting Dr. Google like a madwoman trying to learn everything I possibly could about becoming pregnant. Nothing to it, right? Wrong! I had no idea what OPKs were, or BBT, or EPO, or SMEP, or EWCM, or fertile windows… You get my point. I had no idea how ignorant I was about getting pregnant.

In my desperate attempt to get pregnant I began using OPKs, charting BBT, taking EPO (among a million other vitamins), and watching for EWCM. I dove in head first. I was willing to try anything, and I did. I began taking Soy Isoflavones, which is supposed to be similar to Clomid, and after two cycles I fell pregnant! I was beyond excited! We all were.

And I felt like it couldn’t have happened at a better time. It was our last chance to try before I was to head off to Maryland for three months with Peanut. She was due to have a pretty major surgery that would require us to stay there at the Ronald McDonald House.

Oh, how wrong I was…

At 12 weeks pregnant, Peanut developed drop foot. She went in for another surgery that lasted eight hours on Valentine’s Day. The hubby stayed as long as he could but had to leave that night. The next day, one of the nurses watched her so that I could have an ultrasound done. During the ultrasound I was told that the sac had shrunk and the baby had stopped growing early on. Peanut was able to leave the hospital that same day, and by that night I found myself hiding in the bathroom, trying desperately to fight through the need to scream through the pain of a miscarriage.

It was one of the scariest moments in my life. I was alone and terrified that Peanut would wake up to find me lifeless in the tub. Being that this was my first miscarriage, I had no idea what was coming or how long it would last. In hindsight, I know that I probably should have gotten help, or at least let someone know what was going on. I’m lucky I didn’t hemorrhage.

I was a wreck for the next few weeks. It took all my energy and focus to push through the exhaustion and emotions to do what needed to be done for Peanut. Her daily schedule was so full. We got up every morning around 9am to go to the hospital for therapies and didn’t return until around 4:30. After that I tried to let her play and enjoy her free time as much as possible before dinner and activity time. Around 10pm we went in for the night for exercises. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her for several days.

It seemed to take an eternity, but we eventually made it home. Once we were back I went to see my doctor and let him know what had happened. During another ultrasound to make sure my uterus was clear, he noticed that my lining seemed off. He scheduled a hysteroscopy for August 2012. During surgery he discovered that I had simple endometrial hyperplasia, a polyp, and endometriosis.

Lovely!

He was able to remove it all and I began taking Clomid to help keep my lining thin. Turns out I did more damage than good with those soy pills. Taking soy while you have endometriosis is equivalent to dumping miracle grow on weeds. Needless to say, my adventures in self-medicating are over.

This kind of leads me to where I am now. My doctor wants to ship me off to an RE, but I don’t have the infertility coverage or financial options to move forward. I need to have another laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis, but we’ve decided to do it next year when we get back from Peanuts next big surgery. This will save us from having to pay out two large deductibles back to back.

To help manage the pain while I’m in MD with Peanut for 3-4 months, I’ll be taking birth control. After we get back I’ll be having another laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis again, and an HSG to make sure my tubes are not blocked. Until then, my choices are to sit around feeling sorry for myself, or do something about it.

So, I’ve decided to do something about it. And I’m starting with my diet. It’s honestly ridiculous how much bad stuff there is out there for people with endometriosis. And I’m not talking about only things we eat. This includes cleaning chemicals, bathing soaps and shampoos, plastic containers and the list goes on…

The good news is that I’ve already got a head start. Red meat is bad for endometriosis, but I cut out all meat except seafood months ago. Dairy is bad for you, but I’ve already been cutting that out of the hubby’s diet after finding out he’s lactose intolerant. Because of this, dairy is my next task. I plan to eliminate as much as I can and use rice, almond or veggie alternatives for milk and cheese when I can’t do without.

After dairy I think I’ll try to tackle either sugar or gluten. I’m not sure which. I guess I’ll see how I feel once I master no dairy.

Baby steps.