Catching Up on CD 2...almost 3

Despite being MIA for the past couple weeks, I'm still doing good with eating on the healthy side. I've also done my best to keep up with taking pictures of new meals that I've tried. Everything is surprisingly very simple, but pleasing. Most of my meals consist of regular old fruits and veggies. It's the spice department that I'm really exploring lately. I've found myself using spices I never new existed.

My favorite spice combination is thyme and rosemary. Before the last month or so I'd never purchased either of these spices. I'm really starting to warm up to basil, dried, not fresh, yet. I've also been playing around with a little balsamic and coming up with some interesting things. The salad in the picture above actually has a basil balsamic vinaigrette on it. The other salad in the bottom picture has a little gluten free thousand island. Yum! Next to that is thyme and rosemary roasted red potatoes and scrambled eggs with onions, bell peppers, and tomatoes, topped with salsa.

I know that dairy doesn't do me well, but the huge pile of fruit sitting next to the heap of plain Greek yogurt was so delicious. Crazy enough, I didn't add any type of sweetener to the yogurt and I actually enjoyed it. I tried Greek yogurt once, years ago, and hated it! And it was actually flavored. This wasn't sweet at all, and was honestly a little on the tangy/bitter side, but paired with the fruit it was really good. I have to admit the texture of this yogurt was a lot better. I don't remember what the brand of the first one I tried was, but it was so gritty. Taking a bite resembled dumping a load of sand into my mouth. Not cool.

I got on a roasted portobello mushroom kick a while back and the ones pictures were actually pizza mushrooms. I made the same homemade pizza sauce that I made before using tomato sauce, basil, oregano, and garlic salt. It was pretty good, and I could eat that sauce all by itself. Heck, I had some tonight :)

The picture above shows two of my favorite meals in the past couple weeks. I found a box of gluten free gnocchi pasta and a box of gluten free rice noodles marked down at Kroger. I cooked up some onions, bell peppers, and tomatoes and  seasoned them both with Italian seasoned olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I discovered the olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and Italian seasonings combination quite a while back and it has become my preferred sauce for any pasta or pasta substitute.

This last set of pictures shows the same meal from a few nights ago. I've been calling it black bean veggie tacos. It's just cooked onions, bell peppers, diced tomatoes, jalapenos, and black beans. I season it with cumin and toss it on a tortilla. It is so yummy. I've actually had it three days this past week and looking forward to having it again. It's so quick and simple it's not funny.

Speaking of funny, since changing my diet I've really started to enjoy cooking. I used to see anything that didn't come from a box and go straight into the oven or microwave as a chore. Now, it just doesn't feel right if I don't have my cutting board and chopping knife out when fixing a meal.

Weight Loss:

Well, I'm happy to report that as of yesterday I'm down to 175.5! I wasn't sure I would ever get away from 179 for a while there. It seemed I was doomed to stay that weight forever. In all I've lost 39.5 pounds. So close to 40. My goal is 130 so that means I only have about 40 more pounds to go! I'm half way there. I have to be honest though, when I started this journey, a huge part of me didn't think I'd have the chance to drop this much weight before getting pregnant. I guess I thought it was going to be my cure all. Now, I"m feeling pretty confident that I'll make it all the way to my goal.

TTC News:

Today is cd 2, almost cd 3, and I wish I could say I was surprised about starting another cycle, but I can't. I'm really starting to have mixed feelings about being forced into a TTC break in less than three weeks. I have to confess, I've spent weeks trying to figure out a way to have the surgery and continue to TTC while I'm in MD when the hubby comes to visit. It was only recently that I faced the fact that it just can't happen. There's no guarantee that he'll be able to make it up during my fertile window, and who knows if we'd even get the chance to try??

As much as it sucks, surgery after the break will be best. I'm still back and forth on whether or not I'm going to take the birth control pills I've got. I have some anxiety about taking medicines, especially new ones, and how my body will react. It kind of scares me that I could have a bad reaction while I'm up there alone with Peanut. I know it's just birth control but, what can I say, I'm super paranoid. I'm also a little confused about how I should take them if I do. Do I take the sugar pills to induce a period or not? I've read that girls do it both ways, but I"m not sure which is the right way for me. I don't want to do anything that will screw up my cycle and I know that taking birth control is risky in that department anyway.

Life News:

On top of everything, I'm starting to feel anxious about being without the hubby for so long. He started a new job about six months ago and I think I'm still adjusting. Before this job, he spent 8 years at a job with extremely flexible hours. We were lucky enough to spend pretty much all of every day together. When he did have to go in to work he usually went after hours and took us with him.

It was super hard in the beginning. We went from being with him all the time to barely seeing him at all. He's gone before we wake up and he's only home for about 4-5 hours before he's ready for bed. Most days he falls asleep on the couch before 9pm. To make it worse we lose almost an extra 2 hours with him since he has to drive almost an hour one way to get to work. We've been talking about relocating lately, but I'm not sure we will because we have a pretty nice home set up where we are currently. We'd be crazy to leave just yet.

Lately though, it's not really the amount of time we get to spend with him that's really bothering me. For about the past week or two I've been feeling really insecure about myself. For the first time in our 11 years of being together, I'm scared to death he's going to get bored of me. He's made several friends at work and he's always telling me about them when he comes home. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy listening to him, especially when it's some juicy work drama, but I never have anything interesting to say back.

I cook, I clean, and I teach. That's my day. My life.

I'm trying really hard not to let my fear leak out. I don't want to push him away by becoming too needy or too attached. I feel like I need to find something for myself to do. I'm just not sure what?

CD 20 & A Portobello Mushroom Sandwich

I had the best sandwich ever yesterday! I really wanted a sandwich made with these skinny bagels (not great for my endometriosis but I just had to try them), so I decided to season a portobello mushroom cap with salt, pepper, and garlic, roast it and use it as the "meat". It was so yummy! I topped it with lettuce, tomato, and half of an avocado seasoned with salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper. The other thing on my plate is something I came up with after craving a blooming onion. I call it the naked blooming onion. I cut it so it would open up like a flower, seasoned it with salt, pepper, and garlic and roasted it. I'll be making more of this same stuff again today.

Weight Loss:

I've been stuck at 179 for almost a month. I've had two splurge days over the past three weeks and I've been getting a little carried away with macadamia nuts. I've started tracking on myfitnesspal so maybe I can get it under control again. I only have 2.5 weeks left on my dietbet and I have 4.3 pounds still to lose.

TTC News:

I went back to see my new doctor on Wednesday. He did a full pelvic ultrasound and went over my blood work results. Good news is I do not have PCOS, but he's not sure if I had it before. He said if I did I don't anymore, which is what matters. I did, however, have a cyst that had ruptured recently on my right ovary. It's weird because I thought if I had a cyst rupture I'd know it, but I had no idea. I'm pretty sure I know when it happened now, but at the time I thought it was ovulation. In fact, if that was the cyst, I've had them before. I've read that some girls with endometriosis have higher pain tolerances. Maybe that's why I didn't have excruciating pain?

My blood work came back great. My TSH seemed a little on the low side to me, .72, but still within normal range. My AMH was 2.32 and in the normal range. The only problem he saw was my vitamin D was low. He told me to start taking 2000-5000 iu/day. We have nothing else planned for now other than a new semen analysis and my second laproscopy plus the HSG to make sure my tubes are open. I'd love to do the surgery now, but I still hate the idea of having it done right before a forced 3-4 month break. I don't want to lose my best months to try. My mom offered to come and help me and Peanut out if I do the surgery after we get back. Since she's willing to help, I'll probably just wait.

As for my current cycle, I'm pretty sure I'm around 6 dpo or later, but I'm for sure cd 20. My breast are just becoming sore, I think. This usually happens around this time. Sadly, I woke up to some spotting this morning. I've never spotted this early before, but I felt the same pinching feeling that I always get before my spotting begins. There was one month I started spotting on cd 21. I just hope that I don't spot all the way to AF this month. It's so annoying.

CD 12 & I don't know what to do...

Since my visit with my new doctor yesterday I've been struggling with what I want to do. I'll will be leaving for Maryland in less than two months for Peanuts surgery. We will be there for 3-4 months and the original plan was to do surgery after I get back. My new doctor thinks it would be best to go ahead with surgery before I leave, but I don't know what to do.

Surgery before we leave for MD

Pros

• Our deductible will be broken up over two different months instead of coming out of our pocket all at once.
• I won't have to worry about recovering while Peanut is in a fixator and still needs me more than usual.
• If there is a blockage, I won't waste my sanity on two more pointless cycles.

Cons

• I will be taking birth control when we leave, but I fear my endo could build up over the months we're gone.
• I could be tossing away my best months to try while we're in Maryland and unable to TTC.

Surgery after after we leave for MD

Pros

• We will get to TTC during the first few months which offer us the best chance of getting pregnant.
• I won't have to take birth control and risk making my cycle wonky.

Cons

• I will have to recover while Peanut is unable to get around as she usually does and while the hubby is away for work.

We're still waiting to find out how much we're going to have to pay for a laproscopy. I had hoped to hear back from them today. I do know that we'll have a flat fee of $200 that the insurance will not cover for checking my tubes. I'm not sure if we'll do the SA before or after MD, but I do know it's going to cost us $150.

I wish we had started pushing this insurance stuff long before now.

CD 11 & A light at the end of the tunnel?

After all of my insurance confusion recently I decided to look for an ob/gyn that does fertility as well. When I found one I called to ask a few questions and ended up scheduling an appointment. That appointment was today and I think it went really well. Way better than I expected.

I'm still not sure what our insurance will or will not cover, but we talked about my past few years with my old doctor. He wants to do another lap sooner rather than later, but I'm unsure if I want to do that now or after I get back from Maryland. He said that birth control should keep my endo at bay while I'm away. He also suggested doing another SA for the hubby. He went ahead and took blood today and I go back in a week for an ultrasound.

Both the hubby and I both wish we had made the switch sooner. One of the first things he asked was whether or not my old doctor had checked to make sure my tubes were blocked. I told him I thought he had during the lap, but I wasn't sure and it didn't say anything about it in the report.

Speaking of...

I picked up a copy of my records and I finally know the details of my endometriosis. Right after the surgery when I had asked about what he'd found he just told me that it was on my abdominal wall and that he had removed all that he could see. However, according to my surgery report I had it not only on my abdominal wall, but also on my right ovary, right tube, and I had filmy adhesion attaching my bladder to uterus and uterus to abdominal wall. It did say he was able to remove it all easily.

Something else weird in my medical records was where he listed PCOS under my history. It also said that I was taking metformin, but I've never taken metformin nor has he mentioned PCOS. I brought it up with the new doctor. He doesn't seem to think I do have PCOS, but I think that's why he's doing the ultrasound and one of the things he's checking with blood work.

I totally forgot to ask about the preauthorizing forms so I'm going to mention it during my ultrasound appointment on Wednesday.I hope there isn't any trouble with the insurance. I'd really like to get knocked up at some point, preferably sooner rather than later.

Endometriosis Diet & Weight Loss

I'm still doing well, but my meals are pretty basic and boring lately. I've taken a few pictures but they're not that appealing to look at. After my preveious dietbet ended I splurged on pizza and a fish sandwich and fries before starting my new one. I gained a couple pounds, mostly bloat from sodium I'm sure, and my weight loss stalled for a while, but it seems to be going back down now. As of this morning I'm down to 179.

Dare I Hope...

The hubby brought up having a baby today without me initiating the conversation. At first I didn't know what to say, partially because of the question itself, but mostly because he has never done this. He's not against a baby, but he's not ready to dig deeper into medical assistance for my endometriosis. Anyway, the question was...

"So if we have a baby, are the girls (breast) going to be spraying everywhere any time I even look at them?"

After a brief pause, I couldn't help but laugh at the question. I suppose in his mind I'd have a pair of sprinklers on my chest ready to blast milk everywhere at any moment. He knows I want to breastfeed as I did with the daughter, but I guess he forgot that it wasn't really that messy. In his defense, it was 10 years ago.

The only other time he mentioned having a baby without me starting the conversation he started the question with, "this doesn't change my feelings about having a baby but..." He didn't do that this time and I can't help but hope he's warming up to the idea.

I did recently find out that he favors the name Edwin, after his great grandfather and grandfather. He's not gaga over Oscar, but he is not opposed to it since it was my grandfathers name. I prefer Oscar, but I'm not opposed to Edwin at all. Edwin Oscar, Oscar Edwin...

Now we just need a baby boy to take the name <3

**I have an appointment scheduled with a new ob/gyn that specializes in fertility for Wednesday.**

Starting All Over

I picked up a package of baby arugula the other day and decided to cook it up with some mushrooms and some of my homemade italian dressing. It turned out pretty good. I fixed the entire container of both arugula and mushrooms and ended up eating every bit for lunch.

This endometriosis friendly food stuff is getting easier and easier. Seriously, I had pizza a month ago and a piece of cake and ice cream about two weeks ago. That is all the processed foods I've had. Oh wait, I take that back. I have had two glasses of dark chocolate silk almond milk over the last two days. It has more sugar than I need, but it's gluten and dairy free :)

About two days ago I had take out food for the second time this month. For me, that's good. I had a veggie burrito from Qudoba at some point this month. I guess you caught me in a lie about no other processed foods. Anywho, I had a veggie salad from Subway and although it was good, it cost $6! Seems like a lot for  a salad. I could have bought all the stuff for it and made several salads with that.

I completed my dietbet today and have already gotten back my response verifying me as an official winner! Yay! I've lost a total of 36 pounds from my highest weight. I have a lot more to go, but I'll get there eventually.

TTC News:

I wish I didn't have to say that I'm back at the beginning of another cycle, but I have no other choice. Today is cd 3. I never did really get an answer about our health insurance. HR got this response from one of the managers from Cigna which said...

"Diagnosis and treatment of the underlying cause of infertility if medically necessary and preauthorized by the Medical Claims Administrator’ means that the testing and treatments are covered for medical issues with a medical diagnosis, but infertility treatments specifically are not covered. 

Coverage will depend on the specific tests and procedures in question and the diagnosis and procedure codes the provider submits on the claim.   Specific coverage questions are best answered through a ‘pre-determination’ by the provider’s office and in-network providers are familiar with the process.

Because there is medical treatment coverage prior to an infertility diagnosis, the way a question is worded can make a difference.  If the employee called us and asked if ‘infertility treatments’ are covered, the answer would be no.”

Still, neither of us is sure what exactly this means. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment with my current doctor to get that referral to another doctor moving. I had originally told him I wanted to wait. It looks like the only way we're going to get a straight answer is to just try to go and see what happens after the doctor sends the pre authorization forms.

Don't you just love insurance companies?

CD 29 & Feeling Stuck in the Mud

I feel exactly like the tire pictured above. Stuck. I'm stuck on my couch with my laptop in front of me and my phone beside me. Despite searching Google yesterday and since I've been up today and with no explanation of what our health insurance means for family planning, I can't stop searching. And I can't walk away from my phone for more than a few seconds for fear of missing a call from the hubby with a response from HR.

The sad thing is, I know that I'm going to be told that insurance doesn't cover anything because (fill in blank with whatever excuse they have), but I just need to hear it. I can't move on until I do.

They'll have an excuse to not cover anything. I know they will.

End of the Road & Infertility Coverage

Well, after my little depression party the other day, the hubby began looking into his benefits information. When he was offered this new job one of the first things he asked about what whether or not infertility would be covered. He was originally told it would be and he found this in the packet...

Family Planning

The plan covers:

■ Surgery for sterilization (reversal of sterilization is not covered).

■ Diagnosis and treatment of the underlying cause of infertility if medically necessary and preauthorized by the Medical Claims Administrator.

So why am I being told no every time I call and ask the benefits people???

He decided to contact the human resources lady where he works, which happens to be the same person that told him we would have coverage, to try to find out what's going on. I tried to call a RE that is close by to see what I could find out as well. The girl I talked to said that it sounds like I do have coverage, but she's not sure why they would tell me no when I call customer service, which is what she suggested I do.

Hopefully we'll hear something tomorrow, but the waiting is killing me. When he took this job about six months ago I thought I would finally have a shot, and then that hope was ripped away. Now they've got my hopes up again and I'm so afraid of having it crushed, again. The pessimistic side of me just knows that there is some sort of loophole for them to get out of offering coverage and that's why it's worded the way it is. The hopeless optimistic side says it's clearly says it will be covered if there is a medical need and I have a medical need, right?

I want to know the answer, but at the same time I'm scared to know.

TTC News:

If you can't tell, AF is on her way in. Some stupid part of me actually thought that if I truly let go this month it might actually happen. Ha!

Who is this bitter, angry person?

Here's another dose of my stupidity for you. I still keep thinking of names. My newest favorite boy name is Oscar Edwin. Oscar was the name of my papaw and Edwin is the middle name of the hubby's great grandpa. Or maybe Edwin Oscar?

CD 25 & Cycle Confusion

Well, I thought I was around 7 dpo today (cd 25), but I had some spotting on cd 22 after some bding. I thought maybe it was related to the aspirin I was taking because it stopped on cd 23. On cd 24, however, it started back up and has continued today. It's scant and brown externally, red internally, and looks exactly like what happens when AF is approaching.

It could be one of three things...

1.) I will have a week of spotting leading up to AF.

2.) I am wrong about my O dates and AF will be here in the next couple of days.

3.) The baby aspirin

There's no way it can be implantation bleeding. It looks too much like pre-AF bleeding. Maybe the aspirin is causing early spotting? Who knows? Only the next several days will tell what's really going on. Either way, if AF doesn't arrive after the end of January I will test. I have a feeling she will come sooner rather than later. It's just weird that my bbs may have gotten sore later than normal. 6 dpo is average and 8 dpo is the latest it has ever happened.

Despite all the confusion, I will most definitely be doing away with tracking again next cycle. I'm normally very bad about stressing all day every day during the tww about how I missed this day or that day around my fertile window. I literally will stare at my chart or other charts on fertility friend for hours. None of that at all this month. I don't even know what days we bd on for sure anymore.

A few other girls and I have been working to lose weight to help with fertility. We each have our own reason/need to lose weight, but our end goals are the same. One of them fixed this quote with this image. I thought it was great and inspiring so I wanted to share. It's nice to have others working toward a similar goal. I have managed to lose 35 pounds and I have 35 more to go. The other girls have different goals, but I know we can all reach them!

I have 8 more days left in my dietbet and although I actually made it to my goal weight, I gained a bit in the last couple of days. I really need to buckle down and get this weight back off so I don't lose my money. Hopefully I can make it.

CD 24 & Cake

Yep. That's cake. Yummy, yummy cake. Nope. It's not something I should be eating, but I was at a birthday party. What was I supposed to do?! The birthday boy would have been disappointed. Okay, maybe he wouldn't have been, but I couldn't resist. It was a homemade Reese's cake! How could I resist?

So, yeah. My healthy eating went straight out the window today. However, I was good and only had a little piece and one small scoop of ice cream. The only other thing I had today was shrimp fajitas from a restaurant and a tortilla chips and salsa. I'll make up for it tomorrow with lots of veggies and exercise.

TTC News:

Today is cd 24 and my boobs are sore for sure! Oh man they hurt. This means I'm anywhere from 5-8 dpo. I had a bit more spotting today, but not a lot. It should be way to early for spotting, but I could be having a crazy spotting cycle or something. Normally I start spotting around cd 26-27. On wacky cycles I've started as early as an entire week before AF comes, which would match up for my spotting now. I'd much rather it be implantation spotting. Usually AF comes around cd 29, but it has been known to show as early as cd 26 and as late as cd 35. If nothing by February first I'll test.

CD 23 & Trying Something New

A friend from a forum I visit often made this image for me. I absolutely love it! The colors are perfect together and for me because if I do get the chance to have #2 the hubby and I both want to be team green all the way. This image doesn't suggest one specific gender and I love that about it.

I've been trying a couple new things this cycle and I'm hoping it helps me get a BFP before I'm able to go to the doctor in half a year. Of course there's the healthier eating, but on top of that I decided to try using coconut oil for lube. I've not found a lot of info on using it, but pretty much everything seems to agree that it's not harmful. Preseed is so expensive I just can't afford to buy it all the time. Along with that I decided to use baby aspirin again this cycle. When I got my sticky BFP a couple years ago that ended in a missed miscarriage I had been taking aspirin for two previous cycles. Of course, I'm also taking my multivitamin along with b12 complex and a vitamin d supplement. And the best thing I decided to do this month was to stop tracking completely.

It would be amazing if these new things help me get a sticky BFP, but this is only the first month using these new things. I know it could take time. I'm not sure what dpo I am today, but I'm on cd 23. Last night I had some spotting after DTD. I have seen no trace of spotting since. It could have been because of the aspirin, but I don't remember having spotting like that when I took it before. I never spot after DTD. Add in that earlier in the day yesterday I had these very fast, sharp pains behind the right side of my pelvic bone and you get ridiculously high levels of hope. It felt like lighting. Each pain lasted about 1 second and all together the pains lasted about 3-5 minutes. Haven't felt it before that or since. I've also been pretty bloated, gassy, and somewhat constipated. I know these signs can be normal, but since I've tried this other stuff I think I'm a little more hopeful than usual.

AF should be here in 6-8 days.

Tecnically CD 22 & Homemade Italian Dressing

I found the recipe for the Italian dressing pictured above HERE. I cut the salt in half and left the sugar out of the recipe. It turned out pretty good, definitely not as sweet as store bought. The hubby like it, so I guess it's not too awfully terrible. I used an old, glass dressing bottle that I had saved to store it in. Kind of perfect. Now I can make some pasta salad, with zucchini noodles of course, whenever I like.

I actually plan on trying some other condiment recipes. I found a free eBook the other day that has nothing but condiment recipes in it. Since I began my healthy eating quest I've sworn off all condiments. It sucks because I really love condiments. They make meals so yummy.

For dinner I sliced cabbage, seasoned with salt and pepper, and lay it in the bottom of my Nuwave oven. On the rack above that I put in a layer of root vegetables, potatoes, parsnips, and some other white vegetable that I cannot remember the name of. It was all pretty gross except for the potatoes. One of those root vegetable things tastes kind of like black licorice. I hate that stuff and I can't even spell it! Had to use Google.

At least my salad turned out okay. I used my homemade dressing that I made. Nothing really awesome about my meals today, but they were endo friendly, as far as I know. Feeling pretty awesome about that. Tomorrow though I'm going to have to make something new. I have lots of recipes on Pinterest that I want to use now.

TTC News:

To me, I'm cd 21 because I have no been to sleep yet despite it being 2:57 a.m. at this exact moment. Had a really nice visit with my SIL. I really enjoy her coming over. I could possible wear her out with all my chatter though. The hubby actually surprised me while she was here. He's never been on board to really push fertility treatments, but today when me and the SIL began discussing it IVF was brought up. She suggested us go overseas for treatment and when he responded positively to the suggestion I reminded him of the trial thing in NY. Shockingly he responded by informing us that he could just fly me up for my appointments. I hope he meant it, because as soon as I get my BMI low enough I'm applying.

Of course, I'd much rather it happen sooner than I could do that and naturally.

I've been feeling really bloated and a little constipated tonight. I have no idea what dpo I am, and I'm probably way to early, but it still gets me a little hopeful. Okay, okay. A lot hopeful. I've also had random bouts of nausea, but I could just be making that up. Or it could be because I was eating way under my calories that past several days without knowing it. Hopefully I'm not getting sick though.

CD 20 & Spicy Spinach, Avocado, & Tomato Salad

I was so excited after I weighed myself this morning. I know I shouldn't do it daily, but I do. My weight has been stalled at 183 for about two weeks. After talking to some other girls I decided to track my calories for the day. I haven't been doing that for about two months or longer. I discovered that I was 400 calories under my 1200 calorie goal. I added in 400 calories worth of fruits and veggies and the next morning I was down to 181.5. I should probably add that I did do a 20 minute exercise video as well. I haven't been doing much exercising. I'm not sure if upping my calories or adding in the exercise got my weight moving, but I hope it continues to go down.

Most of my meals today are either the same or similar to things I've already shared, except the one pictured above. I call it a Spicy Spinach, Avocado, & Tomato Salad. I found the original recipe HERE, but I changed it up a bit and used salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper instead of the lemon pepper. My first bowl was made for lunch and I enjoyed it so much I ended up having it for dinner as well.

Speaking of dinner. I fixed the family sloppy joes using deer meat. It looked so good I ended up eating about a tablespoon on one piece of bread. I feel okay eating deer because the animal was wild and not "factory farmed" like most of our store meats. I'd eat it more often if it wasn't red meat, which is inflammatory and bad for endo.

TTC News:

That shoe I've been waiting on to drop finally did. One of the daughters assignments today was to write down five reasons she likes the story about Peter Rabbit. Her #4 reason was because he has siblings. Ouch. I never stop feeling like I'm failing her, but moments like this just amp it up to almost unbearable levels. After reading her list I couldn't help but sit and watch her and think about how great of a sister I think she would be. I wish I could tell her. I wish I could give her the chance.

This is why I can't give up. I don't know if my eating habits will make a difference, but I have to do whatever I can. She deserves the chance to know what it's like to have a brother or sister.

Ugh, this sucks!

CD 18 & Italian Shrimp Stir-Fry

Breakfast was so yummy today. I had my current favorite, veggie scrambled eggs with hot picante sauce, an avocado with salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper, and microwaved cinnamon and honey apples. Mmmmm Mm! It was yummy! And totally endo friendly, I think? Aside from the eggs for some. I was really surprised at how well the apples came out. I think I'll have them again tomorrow but add some nuts to the mix.

Microwave "Fried" Apples

1 apple sliced

cinnamon

honey

** Slice apples, or chop, and place in microwave safe bowl. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Cook on high for 1-2 minutes, until natural juices develop. Stir and add honey. Done!

The picture above is my version of Italian pasta salad. Instead of pasta, I used zucchini noodles. I also made my own Italian dressing. You can find the recipes HERE. I followed it exactly, except I left out the sugar and cut the salt in half. Still tasted pretty good to me. It's different than your typical bottled dressing though.

Italian Zucchini Noodle Salad

1 zucchini

handful of grape tomatoes

1/2 yellow onion chopped

1/2 yellow bell pepper(or whatever color you have on hand) chopped

homemade italian dressing (recipe HERE)

** Use spiral slicer to turn zucchini into yummy noodles. Boil onions and yellow peppers until tender. Add all ingredients to a bowl and drizzle with dressing.

I went to the store the other day and just thought I'd show how my counter looks after I return. My family loves fruits so I load up on them, especially if there is a good sale. I was able to get the oranges for .50/lb and the big bowl of clementines (it was full) for $4. I was also able to price match the bananas and get them for .38/lb. I'm sure all of this will be gone by the end of this weekend.

While at the store I was also able to find this pile of green beans marked down to .54/lb. I think I ended up with about 5 lbs all together. I separated them into family sized portions and froze them. The fruits and these green beans may or may not be organic. I'm not sure? I want to start buying organic, but it's so hard to pass up such good prices when money doesn't grow on trees where you live.

And then we come to dinner. Italian Shrimp Stir-fry. I used my homemade Italian dressing on it and I have to say, it turned out rather well. The family enjoyed theirs on a nice bed of linguine noodles, but I had my good ol' trusty zucchini noodles. The potatoes were marinated in rosemary and thyme and boy were they good. I may have ate a bit more than I should have. You can find the recipe I used for the Stir-fry HERE. I used the same Italian dressing that I used for the pasta salad above.

TTC News:

Today is cd 18 and the nips are still sore. I've also had some pressure in the ovary area, but I'm sure that's related to recent ovulation. My boobs are not sore yet though and that always happens around 6-7 dpo. Not that I'm trying to obsess or anything. I'm just trying to get an idea! Really!

Seriously though, I'm actually enjoying this relaxed cycle. I still have yet to worry about my imperfect timing. I'm not even sure what perfect is? I never seemed to have perfect timing. Something was always wrong. I've even found myself stressing over whether it was sooner rather than later at night. If it was O day and I felt a pinching pain that I connected with O, I swear I would think of nothing except my dying egg until we did bd. Psycho, right?

I hope this healthy eating thing works to get me knocked up. I've never in my life worked this hard to change my eating habits. On top of that, I quite smoking for this same reason 2.5 years ago. Cold turkey! Of course, I'm happy that I'm becoming healthier, but I have to say I'll be pretty bummed if it doesn't put a bun in my oven.

As of today I'm down to 183. I did get down to 182, but my weight generally fluctuates up and down by a pound or two. Can't wait to get out of the 180s. Fat increases estrogen, estrogen is miracle grow for endometriosis, therefor my fat needs to go!

Can't Sleep...

No word from me for days and then you can't get rid of me. Everyone is asleep here and I'm still up playing around on a TTC site and Google. I forgot to mention earlier that I'm giving organic coconut oil a try in place of Pre-Seed this month. It's so much cheaper and it seems like a lot of people have had success with it. Maybe I will as well? One can hope.

Right?

I've been trying really hard to switch to a cleaner lifestyle. I've done really well with eating only fruits, veggies, and seafood. That's great, but I really need to try to make the switch to all organic foods. We have a Whole Foods about 20 minutes away that I'm hoping I can start going to at least a couple of times a month. I've never been there but I'm hoping they have better deals on organic than Kroger or Meijer.

I already make my own laundry detergent, household cleaners, and I only use baking soda and vinegar for washing my hair. I also traded in my body wash for Yardley soap since it has no sulfates. And I only eat processed foods on very rare occasions now. Organics are long overdue. 

Homemade Toothpaste & My Favorite Spice

A few days ago I started making my own toothpaste. I mixed up some cold pressed coconut oil with equal parts baking soda. And my daughter had recently brought home this super cute little honey sample jar from her botany co-op class. It's perfect for holding the mixture. I've been using it for a few days now and while the baking soda tastes weird, it actually does a decent job. I love the super smooth, clean feeling I have afterward. And it last for so long! It's supposed to be good for allowing cavities to heal as well. I don't have any cavities so I won't be able to find out for sure, but that's pretty awesome if it does.

Also, I've been forgetting one of the most important spices that I use in my chili, on my potatoes, and well, just about anything I eat. Cayenne Pepper! I'm so addicted to this stuff. I bet I use half a tablespoon to one bowl of chili. I think it's supposed to be good for the metabolism. I'm not sure if that's true, but if it is I guess it's an added perk. I love some heat in my food. I'm also addicted to Tabasco sauce. I'm always using one or the other. The hubby always says he's going to buy me one of those jumbo, bulk size bottles of Tabasco but he never has. It would probably save us money if we did buy those.

Weight Loss...

I'm continuing to do really well with my eating. I think I've had one sugar free Werther's apple filled caramel since Friday. Other than that I've had zero processed foods. I had originally deemed Friday as my cheat day, but I don't think I'll be cheating this Friday. When I weighed myself this morning I was down to 187.5! I know weight fluctuates daily, but this is the lowest I've seen my scale in years. No way am I going to go back up. So far I'm at a total weight loss of 27.5 pounds.

TTC News...

Cd 5 today and AF is finally gone! Yay! I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday. At first, I hadn't really thought about it being two years since my miscarriage. The fact that I realized it right on the same day I ovulated during that cycle made it just a little harder.

I'm still taking one Vitex pill every morning. I'm kind of curious to see if I do ovulate right on the hubby's birthday. It would be pretty awesome to ovulate on his birthday and then get a BFP. It would truly be a birthday baby.

A girl can dream. Right?

CD 4 & Overcooked Fish

I told you I get fixated on certain foods for days. The hubby, on the other hand, does not. That's why I had to fix him deer sloppy joes, and more old bay fish for myself. I think our daughter has taken after me in the meal department. She has been eating chili when I do and picked fish over joes for dinner. If you're wondering what's on that potato, it's cayenne pepper. I like my baked potatoes with a little kick. Also, if you happen to notice that my fish looks a bit dry and over cooked, well, that's because it was. It still tasted good.

TTC News...

I thought I was going to get a clean break from AF, but she has returned off and on today. She's so thoughtful like that. Hopefully she'll take a hike for real in the next day or two. Other than that, still not a lot going on.

A good friend of mine found out she's having a boy today. I'm really excited for them. This is their 5th child and they were hoping for a boy since this will be their last. Even though I'm happy for her, I'm kind of sad that her pregnancy is flying by so quickly. I would've really enjoyed being bump buddies with her. I know there's still a chance, two to be exact, but the odds of that happening just doesn't seem to be in my favor. I'm grateful to have the chance to be there for her though, as much as I can since she's in Colorado and I'm in Kentucky! This makes me terribly sad by the way, as I really think we could get along well if we lived closer.

Same with all my other girls that are scattered across the US. Why must we be so far apart?!

Weight Loss News...

I think it was Friday that I weighed in at 196 pounds. Well, a lot of that must have been bloat because this morning I weighed in at 188.5! I cannot even begin to express how happy I am about being out of the 190's. I don't plan on going back either. I guess that just shows how much my endo causes me to bloat up when it becomes inflamed.

CD 1...Again & A Homicidal Bladder

Today is cd 1. Shocker! Guess it was pretty dumb to think that Vitex might actually help me, and that I might actually get lucky like some and get a BFP on my second month with it. Oh well, nothing to do but keep moving forward. I'm a little sad that I only have two cycles left before I leave for Maryland and I'm forced into a 3-4 month break. I think the break will be good for me though. I just can't stand the thought of losing a month. It's already been so long. I don't want to lose anymore time.

I've been paying for my dairy splurges this month. I've ended up in the tub three times, once around 5am. I've been taking ibuprofen and drinking lots of chamomile tea. Both are supposed to be anti-inflammatory. Hopefully tomorrow is a little better. This pain is a good reminder of why I decided to cut out dairy in the first place.

I haven't had any interesting meals today. Mostly leftovers. In fact, it was all leftovers, except for the baked red potato, bananas, and mandarin oranges. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make another pot of chili tomorrow. Aside from no interesting meals to share, I have to give myself a pat on the back for how well I've done. I've been craving bad foods, mostly gluten and dairy, and have stayed away.

I admit, some of my motivation is probably coming from feeling like my reproductive organs are being crushed inside my body. Or, maybe the feeling that my hips have been jammed into a vice for most of the day. Or, maybe the sharp stabbing pains up my rib cage? I'm not even sure that's endo pain? But I can sure blame it on my endo.

Speaking of endo, I think it's gotten all buddy-buddy with my bladder and they're both plotting against me. Crazy! I know! I mean, it's a bladder. Right? But it's true. I'm pretty sure my it has been trying to kill me every time I go to the bathroom.

Guess I know that it wasn't the Vitex that made the big difference in my pain last month. Which is good because this will be the last month I use Vitex if I continue to spot. I'm going to be lowering my dose to see if there is any difference. I may also stop Vitex after I ovulate. I'm not sure yet.

Just a little over two weeks until I get my spiral slicer. Then I'll have no trouble saying goodbye to gluten and hello to zucchini noodles!

8 DPO, Awesome Veggie Soup & Whine...I mean...Wine

I wanted to post this last night, but my dog decided to eat my last charger cord while we were out and about. My phone died shortly after dinner and before I got my pictures uploaded here. Lovely, right? And it's only taken 8 to get me to move it away from the side of my bed. My lovely hubby is ordering me a few more chargers, but for now I'm borrowing a spare that belongs to my MIL

So, several weeks ago I made a pasta recipe that I absolutely loved. I'm trying really hard to get rid of pasta, but it's so hard cause I really love that stuff. I asked Santa for a spiral slicer for Christmas! I'm hoping zucchini noodles will help, but until then, I'm trying to figure out an alternative. I tried with brown rice, but it wasn't all that wonderful. Seemed like it was missing something. That something being my wonderful, soft, delicious pasta :(

Then, I came up with what's pictured above. It's a new spin on an old dish. Vegetable Soup. Normally I make it with tomato juice and your common mixed veggies. You know. The ones that come in the can labeled mixed vegetables. Corn. Peas. Green beans. Yada Yada. Yeah, it's like that, but only different. Instead of tomato juice I used organic veggie broth. Instead of canned mixed veggies I used fresh zucchini, squash, tomatoes, red onion, and raw spinach. Added in a little sea salt and a heap of Italian seasoning and Tada! A equally tasty veggie soup :)

I didn't make a huge batch, but next time I plan to make enough that I can freeze lots and lots of servings. I also plan to put in more raw spinach. I wasn't sure how it would work but it turned out really well. Spinach is supposed to be really good for endo since it's high in vitamin k.

Oh yeah, I forgot that I had mushrooms in there as well :) It was all so delicious. Excuse my poor photography. These pictures do absolutely no justice for this delicious bowl of veggie soup. The hubby doesn't even like soup but he really seemed to enjoy this one. He kept trying to eat all of mine!

Along with that for dinner last night, I had a glass of organic chamomile with lemon herbal tea. I'm pretty sure I read something somewhere that said chamomile is good for endo. I should probably do a a little research on it to be sure. Anyway, I added in a teaspoon of honey and enjoyed. My goal is to have at least one herbal tea a day.

So, all that good stuff was from yesterday. Today is a slightly different story. We were asked to go out to dinner with some friends. We went to this great little Italian restaurant about an hour away. Yes. An hour. It was sooooo worth it. I had pan seared scallops with bowtie pasta and a cream sauce. It was so delicious, and so bad for me at the same time. I can't remember exactly what the sauce was called, but I'm pretty sure it had milk in it. It was so good though.

After dinner we came back home for some much needed down time after spending time with friends, family, and doing a little shopping the past few days. Alcohol isn't great for endo, but the hubby bought me a bottle of my favorite blackberry wine. I was a good girl though and only had one glass. However I did have a glass of mulled wine as well.

Today is 8 dpo, technically 9 dpo since it's 12:15am  now, and I'm pretty sure I'm out. I know there is no way to be 100% sure, but watch and see, AF will show right on time. I'm going to continue with Vitex for at least one more month. I only have two more cycles to try before I'll be leaving for Maryland until the end of March or early April. It sucks, but what can I do? I could probably use the break anyway. I feel like I've become very unstable mentally.

I actually had a pretty bad breakdown today. It wasn't really one thing that triggered it. It was a combination of things, but the root cause is this whole infertility crap. It's making me crazy. Literally. I forgot our library books today when we left and I actually burst into tears and wailed, yes...wailed, that I had forgotten them. I think the hubby was ready to have me committed right then. Luckily, he just turned around and drove back home so I could get them. To make matters worse, we were on our way to that dinner I told you about with friends. I enjoyed seeing them and the food was amazing, but I can't even begin to explain how exhausting it was.

I'm not proud of this, but it happened. I want to go to a therapist and see if maybe they can help me deal with these feelings and thoughts, but we can't afford it right now. We have new insurance and our deductible is not met. With Christmas, Peanut's birthday, her surgery deductible, and our stay in Maryland, we just can't afford it. Hopefully I can hold it together for just a few more months. I just don't know how to stop letting infertility control my life.

CD 10 & Roasted Mushrooms, Grape Tomatoes, and Red Onions

Life kind of took over after my last post so I'm late to update, but I didn't do too horrible after our early Thanksgiving meal. I stayed at 192. Yay! I had a bit of the leftovers the next day, but I've been back on track since.

I'm still on a mushroom kick and wanted to try something different. Today, I decided to toss some in a pan with grape tomatoes and chopped red onion. Sprinkled in a little salt, pepper, garlic powder, and Italian seasons and stuck it in the oven. I let it all bake for about 30 - 45 minutes. I'm not really sure? I checked occasionally and pulled it out when it looked like it does in the picture above. It was actually pretty yummy. That ended up being my entire lunch. I think I used a little too much red onion though. It was a little more sweet than I would have preferred.

Today's cd 10 and there's not a whole lot going on. Still taking Vitex every morning. So far I'm not having any pains throughout the day. I'm anxious to see what my pain levels are like when AF arrives this month. Hopefully it'll be a repeat of last month. My temp from yesterday really freaked me out. It wasn't really higher than my highest temps, but it sure was dramatic. I was glad to see it back down this morning. An early O would be nice, but not that early.

Of course, getting a BFP instead of AF would be so much better than having a not so painful I want to die AF.